eHarmony’s Hottest New Couple: Obama and Kennedy By Doug Giles
Did any of you catch Ted Kennedy’s vociferous, flabby, sweat-laden, cheerleaderesque endorsement of Barack Obama last Monday? I bet if Ted could have done a back flip he would have been Olga Korbuting all over that stage. He was so jazzed that for a second there I thought he was going to show us his thong.
Clintons make Barackwurst. By Doug Giles
As a conservative, the Democratic debate which just took place in South Carolina was a beautiful thing . . . in a Jerry Springer sort of way. The only thing that cage fight between Barack and Hillary lacked was Springer coming on afterward to attempt to make sense of what we just watched.
In last week's match we witnessed the beginning of Hillary the Assassin's decimation of B-HO. Observing cagey Clinton watch and work Barack just before she handed him his backside was like viewing an old female lion toying with a young and tender wildebeest.
During the debate and his subsequent TV appearances, Obama's sharp and svelte persona has been looking a bit more frayed around the edges. I've seen that look before. Where have I seen that? I remember: It's the same expression my friend had after he'd had his butt kick by a small girl in front of everybody in my high school's cafeteria.
Barack Obama is a Powerful Speaker
- And so is My Bose Bass Amp By Doug Giles
The words "change" and "Jesus" are being tossed around in this election more than Lindsay Lohan was by those three Italian dudes last New Year's Eve. I'm getting burned out hearing both the word change and the name Jesus, and I like them both.
And I'm not the only one, either.
I heard yesterday that Jesus himself has just filed a request to change his name to Jesse because he's so tired of hearing it dropped and his quotes being ripped out of context by politicians who didn't give him the time of day until the elections came around.
Hillary and Barack have been beating the change drum like a coked up Keith Moon, now haven't they?
Muck Hickabee:
The Too Compassionate Conservative By Doug Giles
The thought of having to choose between Huckabee and Hillary (or whomever the Left tosses up) come November 2008 is about as appealing to me as the option of watching Rosie O'Donnell river dance naked at 11:00 PM verses watching Rosie O'Donnell river dance naked at 11:15 PM.
Both options bite.
I know as an evangelical I'm supposed to get all giddy and stuff that we have an "on fire" brother do-si-doing up to be the next Commander in Chief, but elated I am not.
God and Glocks: Why Churches Should Not be Gun Free Zones By Doug Giles
Seems like the whiny babies among us
have decided to lethally arm themselves
and take out their post-pubescent
"nobody likes me" rage on
innocent people in schools, shopping
malls and now . . . churches.
Yes, in the last ten days we have seen
Napoleon Dynamite look alike Robert
Hawkins kill eight innocent people at a
mall in Omaha and then blow his own head
off. Here's an aside . . . Why can't
these warped records start with killing
themselves? I think I speak for all
Americans when I say, hey psychopathic
mass-murdering jackass who intends to
kill others and commit suicide: Do us
all a favor and start with suicide.
Begin there, with your death,
okay?
Seven Ways Young People Can Keep Our Country from becoming Officially Screwed. By Doug Giles
If America continues to
diss God
follow cultural coarsening Tila Tequila types
whiz on traditional values
weaken in our chutzpah
stop spitting out babies
say "muy bien" to this insane illegal immigration invasion . . .
In
Praise of Spanking By Doug Giles
This week
in the uber-liberal state of
Massachusetts (y'know . . . the one
Romney used to govern) another dense
liberal has come up with one more dumb
idea to potentially add to their states'
stack of stupidity.
The brain fart the libs pulled out of
their booty this time was the proposal
to make it illegal for parents to spank
their unruly kids' backsides. The
culprit: Democratic Representative Jay
Kaufman. The proposal: House Bill 3922
which would make it unlawful for parents
to use corporal discipline on their
children within the Commonwealth of
Massachusetts.
Obama Smoked the Ganja By Doug Giles
Presidential hopeful Barack Obama confessed to a group of teens this week at Manchester Central High School in Manchester, New Hampshire that when he was their age he used to be a dope smokin' fool.
Barack outed himself as being a former Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds member of his high school bong brigade. He put the high in high school.
BO's mea culpa immediately accomplished a few things: It solidified Snoop
Dogg's, Willie Nelson's and Montel's votes in the primaries, and it also sent some of my conservative compadres into a five alarm hissy fit.
Yep, several of my VRWC buddies were popping blood veins in their foreheads, stating that
Obama's admission could encourage young ‘uns to use drugs, and because of this he was
"unwise" in telling the little squabs that he formerly sought solace in a thick cloud of sinsemilla.
Hillary
Will Kill Your Cat By Doug Giles
Y’know .
. . I hate to disappoint my Christian
voting block brethren, but I’d vote
for any of the GOP guys, or their wives,
or their chunky step son, or their one
eyed three legged dog named Hooch, or
their obnoxious aunt Maria (Y’know . .
. the one with a mustache) rather than
have to watch, listen and live with
Hillary in the Whitehouse barking orders
down to us serfs.
Screeeeeew that.
Listen, my persnickety friends on the
Right: You can bust a nut over the
various serious and not so serious
foibles and philosophies of Rudy,
Romney, Fred and John, but for moi the
Republican gentleman who gets our
party’s nod, whoever he is, will get
my vote come November ‘08.
Why?
Well it’s simple.
Pusillanimous
Pastors are Worse than Strident Atheists By Doug Giles
It's been
fun sparring with the atheists lately. I
truly appreciate their blasts against God,
Christ, Scripture and the church as they
serve to shape up the intellectually
flabby and spiritually indolent Christians
who're coasting through life picking lint
out their navels instead of engaging our
culture.
Therefore,
muchas gracias mis hermanos del diablo.
Look,
Christian, if it weren't for the atheists
busting our chops and asking us the tricky
questions and bringing up the offensive
aspects of Scripture, most of the church...
Atheism:
An Intellectual Revolt or Pelvic
Rebellion? By Doug Giles
Atheists
would love for everyone to believe that
their motive for not believing is an
intellectual one. Yes, the atheists
ardently suppose that they are wise and
the Christians, well, we're the
buckle-shoed buttheads.
Yes,
darling, the atheists would love all of us
to suppose that they cannot believe
because they are so astute and rational,
and we theists, heck we're toads . . . a
veritable troop of abecedarian simpletons
who believe in God and Christ simply
because we're straight goofy.
I think the
atheists believe in not believing,
however, not because they're intellectual
little dandies but because they want to be
autonomous, loose and randy.
Teachers Should Pack in Case Students are Attacked By Doug Giles
“Should properly trained and licensed teachers be allowed to carry guns into their classrooms?” That’s the $64k question being tossed around this week (once again) after Satan’s latest spawn, Asa Coon, stooge emeritus, decided to shoot up his Cleveland high school’s teachers and classmates this week. How about, yes teachers should be allowed to lock and load because not being able to doesn’t seem to be working.
When
Blasphemous Gays Rip into Christians the
MSM says Diddly Squat. By Doug Giles
Can you
imagine if a group of Christians got
together and made a photograph advertising
their upcoming rally, and in that photo
they deliberately went out of their way to
tick off homosexuals?
What do you
think would happen? Do you think the
mainstream media would cover it? Do you
think Katie Couric, Chris Matthews, Swill
Maher and the other liberal curmudgeons
would wade in and condemn the Christians
and call 'em haters...meanies...or...or...something?
Our
Honorable Hunters and the Pain-in-the-Butt
Tree Huggers By Doug Giles
Regnery
Publishing is about to further bury the
loons on the Left with its latest
installment in the Politically Incorrect
Guide series. Who’s in the crosshairs
this time in this destined to be
best-selling tome, you ask? Well, honey,
it is the frothy and paranormal twinkies
on the left who hate hunting and hunters
and spread lies about us and the important
role hunting plays within the world we
live.
Satan
Takes a Little Nap After Dr. D. James
Kennedy Passes Away By Doug Giles
This week
the church lost one of its great generals,
Dr. D. James Kennedy. Kennedy, senior
Pastor of Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church,
chancellor of Knox Theological Seminary,
founder of Evangelism Explosion (and a
stack of other ministries), made Satan
more frustrated than Ted Nugent would be
watching Dianne Feinstein attempt to
shatter the Guinness Book of World
Records' longest break dance.
Yes, Dr.
Kennedy was a disaster to El Diablo and
his defeated ilk.
Having been
a student of Knox Theological Seminary, I
had the honor of meeting Kennedy on
several occasions and listening to him
preach at his church and teach in our
classes. He / KTS even bought a massive
(and beautiful, I might add) painting I
did of John Knox which hangs in the
seminary today.
Larry
Craig is not Gay -
He Has Restless Crotch Syndrome By Doug Giles
As all of
you know by now, Idaho Senator Larry Craig
was busted several weeks ago for
attempting to get his summer groove on
with a Minnesota Serpico in a Minneapolis
airport toilet. Yes, it appears that Larry
tried to get a party started by playing
footsie with an undercover cop who was
trying to offload a chimichanga he just
had for lunch.
I guess
Justin Timberlake isn't the only one
trying to bring sexy back.
I have a
question for the homosexual community: is
this a normal gay
thing…the…uh…toilet sex? Help me
out, those in the know, are the urges that
crazy and intense? Can't they just wait
until they get back to their Miata or a
Motel 6 and resist the urge to do the
funky monkey in a nasty public lavatory?
A
Sanctuary for Demoniacs By Doug Giles
I have
nothing against friendly foreigners who
want to get the heck out of their banana
republic and get a legal life over here in
the land of plenty. I feel your pain,
hombres. Well, not really. Actually, I
have no idea what kind of gruel you have
to slog through while I live on a marina
in Miami next to a world-class golf
course.
God bless America. God bless the American
Dream.
However, given the fact that you're
leaving your homeland in flippin' droves,
I'm guessin' the place sucks like a
ravenous Rosie working the fleshy remnants
of a ripe mango seed.
Look, if I were a Mexican living in
Mexico, I too would be braving long walks
through the desert and even swimming
across the Rio Grande during flood stage.
Why? There are three reasons:
Let’s
Call God "Allah" and Jesus
"Slappy White"
By Doug Giles
Tiny Muskens,
a Dutch Roman Catholic Bishop in
Amsterdam, released another nifty idea
this week upon his wooden shoe wearing
sheep. Minister Muskens, well-known for
stupidity aplenty, came up with a fresh
game plan of which he said would aid the
Dutch, yea, the entire world in getting
along with Muslims Gone Wild. Tiny
proposed "that people of all faiths
refer to God as Allah to foster
understanding."
Well, isn’t that special?
How precious.
God bless you, Tiny.
Christianity
Sucks and Islam is Awesome?
By Doug Giles
Man, don't
cha love how mainstream media and their
soft-brain disciples make Christians out
to be fish-stickered, bug-eyed equals to
incensed Islam? If you were to accept as
true what some atheists, secularists and
prattling gay activists say about
Christians, you'd think the church is
chomping at the bit to chop off some heads
of unbelievers, glory to Gawd!
Yep, if you were to believe the barf
belched out by the BS brokers on the Left,
you'd stagger away Kool Aid drunk with the
belief that there is little disparity
between conservative Christians and
militant Muslims.
As a matter
of fact, you probably would be bamboozled
into believing that Islam is a peaceful,
Little House on the Prairie religion being
temporarily hijacked by jihadist
renegades, and Christianity . . .
Christianity is the real charity-vacant,
vicious cult that's vying for the
opportunity to seize the whip and whip us
good.
Conservatives Need
Their Campus Rebels.
by Doug Giles
Guess what, freshman conservative
college student? In a couple of weeks
you're going to have your liberal campus
and its professors attempt to shove more
crap down your throat than Rosie does
her gullet during Chili's Monday Night
Nacho Monster Blowout Special, that's
what.
Are you ready?
Now, I'm not trying to make you fearful,
sweetie. I just want you to brace for
the liberal Kool-Aid crunch that is
coming soon to a classroom near you. The
stuff mommy warned you about is true.
The reality is you are entering a
liberal madrasah. Your values, for the
next four years, will be violated much
like Linsday Lohan's nose, liver,
Mercedes and panties have been for the
last five.
Given this milieu, you've got
essentially three options to choose from
when you're confronted with the liberal
hooey.
Traditionalists
Don’t Wear ButtSmacker Lip Balm
by Doug Giles
For the last 40 years, there has been
a belligerent, systematic secularization
of the United States by the liberal
thought cops. These individuals have
sought to remove from all public sectors
of society any semblance of biblical
values, all influence of religious
institutions, all sacred symbolism and
the traditional core values which have
made America great.
Column
Eyes, Ears, Nose, Throat
and Car Bombs?
by Doug Giles
Evidently the Muslim doctors who were
busted in last week's UK terrorist attacks
aren't cool with the Hippocratic Oath like
our western Marcus Welby's are. These
stethoscope donning wannabe dealers of
death seem to have no problem in trying to
heal us on Tuesday morning and kill us at
Tiger Tiger on Friday night. Their Mr.
McDreamy is very McDeadly.
Hey, didn't you just love the spin spun
last weekend from the various news
agencies across the pond regarding the
origins of these monstrous MDs? We were
told that these tools were
"Asians." Asians?
I'm thinking … have the Japanese gone
and attacked our snaggle-toothed brethren?
No?
Has some Fu Man Choo from China begun to
give our allies the big fongool? Strike
two?
The Ten Commandments
for My Daughter's
Potential Boyfriends by Doug Giles
God, in His providence, has seen fit to
bestow upon my wife and me two beautiful
girls that we must steward into greatness.
It has been a blast watching my daughters
develop into righteous and rowdy, gorgeous
girls. The thing that sucks with their
metamorphosis into womanhood is the guys
who've begun to buzz around our happy nest
interested in my ladies.
As much as I don't like the idea of
their dating, I have got to suck it up and
accept it (bartender, I'll have a shot of
whiskey). All you dads who are worth your
salt and give a crap about your kid . . .
you know how hard it is to let your girls
go (I'll take another shot, please).
Even though I'm slowly coming to grips
with my kids growing up, I'm not throwing
out my brain and becoming a hip and groovy
dad who curls up in the corner in the
fetal position without an opinion
regarding their dating life.
Not only do I have an opinion regarding
wannabe suitors, I have 10 commandments
for potential boyfriends. Yes, seeing that
I'm still the Alpha dog of the Giles
castle, that I still pay the bills, buy
the SUVs, pay for College and secure their
condos, then by God, I'm still makin' the
rules. I am Doug Almighty, got that Rico
Suave? What I'm about to reveal unto you
is an attitude-laden afflatus, so . . . be
afraid. Herewith are my 10 commandments
for my daughter's potential boyfriends.
Read them and weep.
